The Heartache of a Bad Person
I learned the hard way that its so easy to point fingers and give your opinions about certain matter. Its very easy to say what is right and what should be done. Careful though, if you never tasted desperate.. If You never know what it feels like to have absolutely nothing... If you can't even pay your bills, If you can't even have a decent food, If you are dying of shame because you can't provide basic things for your family. If you don't know how hard it feels like to pull "the plug" because it leaves you no choice. if you are numb from the shame and worry of people talking behind your back giving their "righteous" opinion again and again, yet they seems to disappear when its time to make the ultimate choice, or when you need them, while you are doing what you can this past few years to be the good son that you should, and survive this mundane world. Deep inside you know that no matter what happened or whatever happiness you have right now won't last.
When you can't even be fully happy with your life because you know at the back of your head a loved one may leave you, that no matter how hard you work you will not enjoy your hard earned money fully, its always the question of money. how much money do you have to prolong the life of a loved one, when you yourself is struggling to survive everyday. when you can't even afford the luxury of saving for the security of your future because you have to sacrifice it all for the present. Whatever happen to the "helping each other". Do you realize how fucked up is that. Choosing to end the life of your loved one because you have given everything financially?. Do you know how hard is that to accept? Do you even bother to think if We are still okay? If we still manage to survive everyday? I guessed not. Its another righteous opinion from others that I have to bear and accept. I even don't have the luxury of resting. when your mind is so preoccupied with problems, worry, and dealing with being forever emotionally scarred of what you have been through. And Yeah sometimes I think of what is the purpose of living when it has always been a constant pain, shame and suffering.
So NO you don't get to judge me! specially if you are not even scratching the surface of who really am I. And if you haven't experienced what I've been through, you have no right to say what right from wrong. If you can only be me and experienced It. I'm sure killing yourself is one of the option that has been set on the table and yet I still choose what is morally right. I still endure the pain of living my life. Its not the question of imperfection or how dysfunctional your life is. Its about enduring it all. Its about swallowing your pride because you have nothing. This is more than reputation now.. I dare you remove everything you got and join me in my journey... lets see If you can still point your damn finger and give your opinion about how ungrateful son am I. What happened in my life sure as hell changed me.. It changes everything. And YES I still pray to the lord almighty that you DO NOT experienced what I've been through as always I will be the bigger man to understand your stupid sense of Self-Righteousness. I will be the one to sacrifice again the pain of your words... You can never fully understand unless you have gone to the place my life has gone to. A place where it pushes you to the limit and then some more. A place you know that has changed you forever and somehow fucked your life and still do your best to be a normal citizen, a good son, a good brother, a good husband, and father.To fit in the norm of what society needs and supposed a good person is.
